I am afraid, I tell people I gave up fear but that is not the whole truth only part of it, I gave up many fears and worked hard to do so; however I still fear being pretty. Yes I am afraid to be pretty, now some might laugh at that statement; because it is easy enough to make it comical coming from a 52 year old woman who tips the scales at 200 pounds but that is exactly why I do weigh what I weigh. All my life the people (men) who hurt me told me I was pretty, too pretty and they just couldn't help themselves. Yes I do know that is bullshit, just something to say to justify their actions, to allow them to be able to go through life after raping someone; however that changes nothing. I still hear their words, I do wish my bad memory was selective so I could forget those voices, those words, and the memories associated with them.
So I want to be healthy, because at 52 life is going by in a flash, my time here is more limited now and growing shorter daily. I have two sons and six grandchildren and I would like to be around to see these kids grow up. Healthy will include loosing at least part of the fat suit I put on to hide inside and it terrifies me. I feel physically ill at the very idea of allowing my weight to drop below 200 yet I know I have to do this and do it soon. None of us including me will ever be younger than we are today.
My fears are much contained now, I can travel alone to local places TomTom helped with the problem of fearing getting lost, just love GPS because my sense of direction is terrible but I still cannot travel alone to distant places alone without panic; however I do great if I have Jamie with me, with him I feel safe. I can be in crowds of people, in open spaces, and even handle heights. I do not like to stay in other peoples homes, even those I love because I panic at the idea of them hearing me having nightmares and I always have nightmares when I am not at home. Yes most of my fears are at livable levels, or at least I have arranged my life to where I do well to be basically independent here near home.
I have a new doctor and started back on my thyroid medicine, something I have not taken in over three years, so I am going to talk to her about my health and about my fear. I feel silly saying I am afraid to be pretty, but if I even think about it my heart rate increases. I see old picture of myself and know I was pretty but I never thought myself so at the time. Back then I never felt I fit in anywhere, I would try so hard to dress in what I thought others might wear to an event and never get it right, I did everything to my hair and it never ended up being current or fashionable. I just never got it, that it that seemed to come so easy to other females around me. I still don't have it, but now I care far less, but it still bothers me when I attend some events, it has even kept me from attending some things I would have liked to have attended, that nagging notion that I am not going to have on the correct attire and will have family feel ashamed. When I do go I try very hard to be at ease in my own skin, I do basically love people and especially talking to people, but I am often uncomfortable.
It has taken years of therapy, lots of reading and self exploration to get me to the point I am at today, so that I can acknowledge this fear. I have told very few people out loud because I feel it sounds bad, as if I could choose to be pretty with ease if I didn't fear it, I know this is not true, but it doesn't make the fear less just because loosing weight will not make me instantly pretty, just thinner.
My granddaughters are all so very beautiful and this scares me so bad I have to stop myself from thinking about it too deeply, because I am afraid they will be targets. I hate knowing the statistics for childhood abuses, I hate knowing the results of childhood abuses first hand and I hate that the memories will not die. I wish I didn't know what it was like to be raped, but I do. Life is what life is, can not change past events they are what made me what I am today and gave me the life I have today. I love my life, I love my husband, my kids, my grandkids, just everything about my life today with the exception of my health. The past was worth my today and I would change nothing because it would change today. I just need to change my habits, eat better and move more, so I have to face this fear.
Talking about the fear might just help end it so here I am talking about it, well at the very least (which I guess this is the very least) typing about the fear and possibly allowing others to read it. Now I will feel more need to be accountable even as I do not know who I am being accountable to. Now my secret fear is out in the open, silly as it is, for all to see. I will see if that makes a difference.
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